From Brown to White

Dear family, friends and fellow monastics.

During the four years that I have been living a monastic I have had times of contentment and times of struggle and depression.

For some time now I have been contemplating leaving the monastic life and it is for this very reason that I am writing to you to let you know of the out come of my struggles with the thoughts of leaving the monastic order.

I have decided that I have reached a point where I feel I would like to leave the homeless life and return to the home, the reasons why are below.

My father is unwell and is not getting better unless he has the help of someone to care for him. This has been something that has weighed on my mind and something that would continue to weigh it down knowing that my father is unwell and that it is possible for me to do something to help him yet remaining as a monk would hinder such help. Being a monastic means depending on the kindness of others in order to survive, and there are many of the monastic rules which make looking after someone on a full time basis a difficult task.

This by no means means that I am a savour for my father, far from it, but rather something I can help him with and is something which is long term.

There are also my own personal difficulties. While being a monk I have had times of great joy and also of great sadness. Monastic life is something which is a beautiful thing. Living in a community has it's challenges and also it's great benefits. Underneath all of that, it is not the monasteries' environment which leads me to disrobe, far from it indeed, but is my own internal struggle. There is no who i have fallen in love and disrobing for, so there are no good looking men or women waiting for me at the gate of the monastery.

One thing which has weighed me down is education, or lack thereof. After leaving the monastic life I would like to complete my education. I believe that it will be able to fill some of the holes in my life and also boost my confidence which I lack, after being in the monastic life or this period of time it has now given me the strength to do so.

So where to from here? Well, after disrobing I plan to live with my father as his carer and at the beginning of next year to enroll in completing my education. I know that leaving the monastic life is going to have a transition period that is going to be one of great pain, difficulties and acceptance.

Many of my fellow friends and supporters believed and had place a lot of inspiration and faith in me, but for myself, I am too hard on myself and unable to accept my own moral faults, I lack the internal confidence to accept the truth of their trust they placed in me.

So, I would like to thank everyone who has helped me and supported me in my time leading the holy life and it is least I can do in order to thank them, to be myself and to lead my life in the which in which I feel I now need to grow. I have had a lot of support in this difficult time and it is nice to know how much friendship i truly have.

I plan to disrobe on the 6th of April 2009 6am

The parting from the monastic life tares my heart but it is the way in which I now must go.

Much gratitude,


David Martin Briggs (Tapassi Bhikkhu)


P.S. If you would like to keep in touch or contact me please feel free to do so.

davidmartinbriggs@gmail.com

----------------------------------

15/07/09 - Due to the amount of response i have received from this post i have added my facebook details so that people who wish to follow what i am up to now can do so by either following my new blog or adding me to facebook.

http://offerofhope.blogspot.com/
http://www.facebook.com/davidmartinbriggs

Committed and Suspicious

The latest thing at Santi is Enneagrams, here is what i am

free enneagram test

Training Raining

After a long period where we didn't have any classes at Santi because of the renovations both upstairs and downstairs we have now gone into full wing with Vinaya class on Monday, Tuesday is sutta class, Wednesday there is a Dhamma talk, Thursday is history class, Friday there is a monastic etiquette class, Saturday is group meditation and Sunday is a day off and is also the day the monks and nuns go on alms-round. The classes we a welcomed relief after a long period with only mediation and dhamma talks but it is a little draining but i am enjoying it very much as i do with such classes, also so much to do and so little time to read everyting, luckly i have the excuse of having read most of the material in the pass so i can get away without having to read it!

One of the reasons for the this 'training period' is because there are two Anagarikās who will be taking the Samanerī ordination around May this year. santi is still growing and at the moment we have 5 anagarikās and and other two underway, all going well but of course!

The two latest Anagarikās is Annie from WA and Shirley from Hong Kong, both i get along with very well.

Santi Saṇgha and Anagarikās

A lot is happening and a lot is changing and developing at the monastery which is the natural procress for a monastery, quite different from that first time that i came here where there were very few pwoplw, how we have many people and have a lot of work with regards to accommodation booking and running out of space, sometimes the demand out does the supply of available space.

Communal life is a rather interesting one with its hight and lows, good points and bad points, joyful moments and pain ones, friendship and difficulties but it is amazing the people that are living here and the amount of talent of the people is incredible and thus perhaps the reason for the sometime difficulties, or perhaps this is jsut a delusion and it happens everywhere!

Santi community

A trip to the West.

I have been feel a it tired at the moment and i think perhaps it might be due to lack of iron and/or b12 in the blood, i plan to make a trip to the doctors sometime soon.

Things are a little hectic at the moment since i have returned because i have been out of the office and also things at Santi have been quite busy with building etc. The building work here at Santi looks great and you can see some of the great improvements here and here. The Dhamma talks have been out of action here during the renovations buy they are going to be starting up again this Wednesday in the beautiful shrine room upstairs.

Bodhinyana was interesting to say the least. I got to understand a bit better who women feel in monasteries and the who the monks act, feel and think. This is something which i was sheltered from and only knew in theory. It was really nice to be with more monks as there are not many at Santi and i feel isolated at times, i was able to make new friends which is always nice. The first part of my stay was quite painful for me since i heard a lot of criticism about Santi. that was really hard to deal with since although i knew that people might do such a thing i never received it directly face to face, yet again this was something which i was sheltered from at Santi, i think that this is actually natural since whatever monastery we are from we think ours to be the best and others are doing things in funny and wrong ways.

I think one of the really bad qualities of Buddhists. You hear so much criticism of other monasteries and teachers, i think we as a whole we need to talk about this and restrain ourselves from such behavior that is unworthily and unwholesome. It is so much easier to criticise others from a distance especially when we don't know they very well but once we have made a connection and friendly relations with them it is hard to do so.

I also got to visit Dhammasara 2 times Ajahn Vayama is unwell due to a neurological problem. You can see the difference of how the nuns welcome the monks compare to how the monks welcome nuns. I guess there is a long way to go in terms of the monastic community and outward support to nuns. One thing to reflect on is the sutta where the Buddha talks about having acts of loving kindness to our fellows in the holylife both internal and external, both in public and in private. It was great to be able to sis Ajahn Vayama, Ven. Nirodha and Ven. Seri who are friends or mine, it brings we great joy to be around nuns for some reason.

I also got to go on the retreat with Ajahn Brahm which was good to see how he teaches people since i got to attend some of the interviews with the people on the retreat, also the Dhamma talks are fantastic and there is a lot to learn there, lucky i have the recordings of the retreat so at one point i should go back over it to remember some of and clarify some of the things which he said.

Going to other places shows how little there is in the world for the support of that which we are doing, well it is better to say there is moral support but less proactive support. There is a need for a health spiritual relationship with the femininity both internal and external, the ideal one being that of the sister, there needs to be someone you can see who is growing in the dhamma with you and seeing this will hopefully lessen the feel that woman are a threat to monastic life but rather someone who is human and is stuck in the net of life call samsara just like ourselves. Reducing contact to absolutely nothing leads to an idealification of women and the lay life. since there is no contact with woman at Bodhinyana there only leads to the mind wondering and dreaming what it i like to be with a woman. I would have to say that Bodhinyana is a boys club and if as a women if you wish to go there you will mostly likely feel you are pushed into a corner, left alone, given no attention and seen as a threat where you have only 30mins a day access to the library and have to eat your breakfast away from everyone in your room.

One thing which Bhante Sujato talks about is that there are 3, ways in which you can see women as a monk. i like to add another of the temptress

1. One is that of a mother. The lovely kind and generous support from the lay women who come to offer the food each day, it is like that of our mother who provided for us for most of our life and always wanted us to have enough
2. is that of the daughter. The daughter is the enthusiastic woman who comes to us to learn meditation and the Dhamma.
3. is the sister. She is the person we have grown up together with, we have shared our pain and a highs in life, she is our equal in the holy life.
4. is that of the temptress. she is there to pull us away from the goal of enlightenment and to entangle us in the net of attachment. We know of the ways of the temptress but can't see to see to be able to let go of her her energy which sucks us out from within. she is the evil one which we must avoid at all costs.
   

Which is the one that is missing from the monks life? it is that of the sister. If we when we were growing up never had a sister it is hard to have a health relationship with woman and the same is for women in the opposite. so if we in monastic life do not have a monastic sister then it is all to easy to make all women into the temptress.

Opening the doors and having a place that supports women brings to your attention a lot of the pain and suffering which woman feel in monasteries as they open up and tell you of their experiences, such information rarely comes to the attention of the monks which perhaps change them a little if they were to understand the suffering which is felt, for knowing that someone sufferers there is a want to help them to end it.

What i do know that this monastic path is a difficult one and that those who follow it have incredible strength. we as monastics need to support each other since we have no one else other then the Sangha who can understand what monastic life is, if we cannot support each other what hope is there in the world? supporting nuns in modern Theravada tradition is one of the most important things that we can do other then the attainment of enlightenment.

So let us all work together for the ending of suffering and for the the support of the whole monastic community.

You can see more pictures of Bodhinyana here.

Once you had gold

Once you had gold,
Once you had silver,
Then came the rains
Out of the blue.
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
Time gave both darkness and
dreams to you.

Now you can see
Spring becomes autumn,
Leaves become gold
Falling from view.
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream come true,
Time gave both darkness and
dreams to you.

What is the dark;
Shadows around you,
Why not take heart
In the new day?
Ever and always.
Always and ever.
No-one can promise a dream for you,
Time gave both darkness and
dreams to you.


Enya

A blast from the past

Well i am now 21. What does this mean for one who has gone forth? I guess for people in thw world this is the time for a big party and getting drunk so i guess it is good that i had a little tiny party in the monastery with a chocolate mud cake and chocolate coted strawberries offered for my birthday. Turning 21 means a page in my life and it is also a time to reflect back over the past and to see here i have come from and how far i have come over these years.

I had a visit from one of my old friends, Lolly. we talked and chatted about my life now and also we talked about mutual friends and people we know. Lolly was doing a project for her last year in journalism and she had to do something on the most interesting person she knew and for some reason i am it! you can see pictures of the visit here.


If anyone is interested then they can have a look at my old blog entries from my lay days here.


Spring is arriving. we had one hot day which also rained and then tonight it has got cold again. Now the flowers will come out and Bundanoon will be in blossom.

We had two delightful young Sri Lankan monks visit that day, they are monks from Ven. Nyanananada's monastery in Sri Lanka. they came with large group. We took a long walk of the monastery. Thunder was rumbling and we made it back out just before the downpour. The weekend before was an Open Day.

Renovations have finally started on the main house here. We're so over-crowded, the plan is to take out the interior stairs and open up the second story into one big multi-purpose shrine room/sala/library. The first stage is to build a new stairway at the back of the house, off of a new double-story deck, circular in shape to catch the view. Here are some photos taken from the deck of a double rainbow that appeared one evening, but they don't do it justice, the pictures were taken before the new deck was built.

When they took out the old cement steps at the back, they found a funnel web spider living there. This is the single most poisonous spider in the world. But luckily they're slow-moving and easy to catch and remove. We all got a close-up look while it was in a jar before it got relocated.

After the rains retreat i will be going to Perth to Bodhinyana monastery. It will be an interesting time because it will be the first time i spend a longer period of time in a monastery will a larger group of monks so i guess there will be plenty to learn from from being there. I will be going on Ajahn Brahm's 9 day retreat whilst there, there will be a little Santi group there for the retreat. When in Perth i also hope to visit Dhammasara for a day.

Office work can be a lot of suffering! The amount of people who wish to come here and spend time here and also who want to ordain is far to great for the current amount of space we have, the demand out does the supply of accommodation and as the accommodation monk i have to try to find people and with people coming and going the accommodation book was a nightmare for a while here but thanks to the help of Jackie it much better.

There has been a lot that has happened this rains retreat and i think it will be one that ill never forget.

My close friend Max has been going to stay at Chithurst and Anenja on his summer holidays. I now await his return from Anenja to hear more about it.

Well i guess that is enough for now, we will have to see what happens after the rains retreat and then we will have more to type about!

Melbourne Trip

Haven't updated for a while, so i guess now is the time to do so.

i was lucky enough to be invited by the BSV to attend their Vesak celibration which was led by Ajahn Brahm. I had a great time and really enjoyed the time there.

While i was in Melbourne i had the chance to catch up with one of my old friends and also so my great Ant. Suroo and Ravi were also ther, so nice to see them there.

so what is going on in my life at the moment? It is getting closer to the rains retreat and we will be having the ASA conference in July and also there will be the Mirta conference just before the Vassa starts. Things are generality busy here at the moment but as one always does hope every year that with the rains retreat coming soon that there will be a rest from work and a time to be able to delvelop mediation deeper, however one has to make a strong effort in that time and to get caught in the habits one has developed!

Santi now has 7 Anakarikas, the most it as had at one time. There will be about 22 people coming for therains which will be the most we would of ever had, so it will be interesting to see how things go and hopefully that which such a large amount of people here that we can all get along and and that there won't be any disharmony, one can only hope.

I will be going to the Dalia Lama's teaching this week about mediation in Sydney. In a way it is going to be challenge for me because i don't follow Tibetan Buddhism and also because of the Dalia lama's views on homosexuality. So i will have to use these teachings as a time to see if i can learn from people even though i think their ideas are wrong. trying to learn from someone from a Fundamentalist Christian when you are gay is not something easy to deal with inside, or learning from the person who has killed a family member is difficult, so i guess that i still need to come to understand that although religious people hold ideas that hurt people there are still some good things that can be learn from them, so i guess that i need to focus on them.

Dalia Lama Dalia Lama
What bad Karma
To hold hurtful views
that make people blue
please have compassion
for gays passion
non-discrimination is now the fashion
Who is worse the Pope or you
Please give them hope
So that they may cope
Give them a safe place
Of refuge free from fear
So that they will have no tears